Escape to Paradise: Your Dream Canary Island Rural Retreat Awaits!
Escape to Paradise? More Like Totally Escaped – A Rambling Review of My Canary Island Adventure!
Okay, so I just got back from Escape to Paradise: Your Dream Canary Island Rural Retreat Awaits! and honestly? I'm still unpacking, both literally and mentally. This place… it's a lot. Buckle up, because this review isn't going to be some polished travel brochure – this is real life, unfiltered, and probably a little bit bonkers.
First Things First: The Basics (and the Rambling Begins!)
Alright, alright, let’s get the important stuff out of the way, right? Escape to Paradise promises a rural retreat on the Canary Islands. Did it deliver? Mostly, yes. Was it a dream? Well, dreams are weird, right? Sometimes they’re amazing, sometimes they involve you trying to herd a flock of disgruntled sheep while wearing a banana suit. This trip definitely had some of that sheep-herding, banana-suit energy… but in a good way!
Accessibility, Accessibility, Accessibility – Is It Truly for Everyone?
Let's talk the real talk first - accessibility. Finding truly accessible places can be a minefield, and I went in with cautious optimism.
Accessibility: They say they have "Facilities for disabled guests". Okay, they do have an elevator and some ramps, which is progress! But honestly? Some areas were a bit of a challenge. The cobblestone paths leading to the pool? Not ideal for a wheelchair. The reviews don't really tell you everything, and I almost wish there would be much details. I like to be prepared. So keep that in mind if you have mobility issues. Score: 3.5/5 for effort, but room for improvement.
On-site accessible restaurants / lounges: Didn't see it in the ad. Didn't see it on site. Score: Doesn't meet the criteria.
Wheelchair accessible: The whole place is a bit of a roller coaster. Ramps exist, so partially is accessible. Overall, the design feels more geared toward aesthetics than practicality. Score: 3/5
Getting Around: Airport transfer was seamless. Car park free of charge, on site. I could get around. Score: 5/5
Tech Talk & Wi-Fi: Because We Can't Totally Escape, Can We?
- Internet: Okay, crucial. Can't live without my Instagram, obviously. The Wi-Fi situation was…mixed. "Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!" they boast. It was in all rooms, theoretically. Practically? Think more like "Wi-Fi that sometimes forgets it exists." The connection in the public areas was better – which is good, because I spent a fair bit of time there, desperately trying to upload my "sun-kissed and carefree" selfies. Score: 3/5
- Internet [LAN]: Okay, the world outside of wireless is more reliable, so it's good to know there's a back up! Score: 4/5
- Internet services: Check! Score: 5/5
- Wi-Fi in public areas: Decent. Not blazing fast, but usable. Score: 4/5
Pampering & Relaxation: Did I Really Escape? (And Did I Get That Body Scrub?)
This is where things get interesting. Escape to Paradise knows how to sell the relaxation fantasy. But did the reality match the Instagram promises? Mostly, yes!
- Things to do, ways to relax: They had options for this – which is what I wanted!
- Body scrub: Nope. Sadly, my skin remained unsmoothed. Score: 0/5 (sad face emoji)
- Body wrap: Also, no. Apparently, they didn't have that set up. Score: 0/5 (still sad)
- Fitness center: Functional. Nothing to write home about, but at least they had something. Score: 3/5
- Foot bath: No foot bath. My tootsies remained un-pampered. Score: 0/5 (seriously, where are the foot baths??)
- Gym/fitness: See fitness center.
- Massage: Ah, yes! The massage! This was the highlight. I booked a deep tissue massage and dear God, it was heavenly. This therapist was a magician! All my stress melted away, replaced by glorious, gooey relaxation. I might have even snored a little. Don't judge. Score: 5/5 (massage alone deserves this!)
- Pool with view: YES! The infinity pool overlooking the valley? Stunning. Seriously, I could've just spent the whole trip lounging there. Score: 5/5
- Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom: All available, and all well-maintained. These were nice, and added another layer of relaxation. Score: 4/5
- Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: Beautiful, clean, and well-maintained. Score: 5/5
Cleanliness & Safety: Did I Survive? (And Did the Towels Really Smell of Lavender?)
In the age of… well, everything, safety is a big concern. Here's what I found:
- Cleanliness and safety: Overall, the place was pretty clean. Rooms seemed well-sanitized.
- Anti-viral cleaning products: Probably used, but I'm not a scientist, so I can't confirm.
- Breakfast in room: Available. Always nice to have coffee in bed.
- Breakfast takeaway service: The takeaway service was convenient if you were planning outdoor activities.
- Cashless payment service: They offered it - which is convenient. Thank goodness.
- Daily disinfection in common areas: They seemed to be trying.
- Doctor/nurse on call: Thankfully, I didn't need one!
- First aid kit: Present and accounted for.
- Hand sanitizer: Plentiful.
- Hot water linen and laundry washing: Definitely.
- Hygiene certification: I didn't see it, but I'm assuming they took the necessary precautions.
- Individually-wrapped food options: Offered.
- Physical distancing of at least 1 meter: They did a good job encouraging this.
- Professional-grade sanitizing services: Okay, probably – fingers crossed!
- Room sanitization opt-out available: Nope.
- Rooms sanitized between stays: Seemed to be the case.
- Safe dining setup: Looked safe enough.
- Sanitized kitchen and tableware items: Hopefully!
- Shared stationery removed: All good there.
- Staff trained in safety protocol: Seemed well-informed.
- Sterilizing equipment: Probably used.
Overall, I felt safe. But you know how it is – you can never be 100% sure. Score: 4/5
Food, Glorious Food! (And the One Time I Ate Way Too Much Tapas…)
Okay, let's talk food. This is essential. Escape to Paradise offered dining options… with a few quirks.
- Dining, drinking, and snacking: Plenty of choices!
- A la carte in restaurant: yes!
- Alternative meal arrangement: Good.
- Asian breakfast: Nope.
- Asian cuisine in restaurant: Also no.
- Bar: Yep!
- Bottle of water: There.
- Breakfast [buffet, Breakfast service]: Decent, with tons of options.
- Buffet in restaurant: Yes.
- Coffee/tea in restaurant: Yes, and they had great coffee.
- Coffee shop: There was one.
- Desserts in restaurant: Delicious.
- Happy hour: Yes!
- International cuisine in restaurant: yes!
- Poolside bar: Yes, also great.
- Restaurants: They had a couple of great restaurants.
- Room service [24-hour]: Excellent!
- Salad in restaurant: Plenty of salads.
- Snack bar: Present.
- Soup in restaurant: soup.
- Vegetarian restaurant: Well, there were vegetarian options.
- Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant: yes!
Now, about that tapas incident… Let's just say I ordered a lot of tapas one evening. Like, a mountain of tapas. And then I regretted it. Profusely. The next morning, I swore off food entirely… until lunchtime, when the deliciousness of the poolside bar called me back. The food quality was generally good. Some dishes were exceptional. Others… were fine. Nothing that I would complain about, but not always worth the price from my humble opinion. Score: 4/5
**Services & Conveniences: The Little Things That Matter. (And the Time My
Unbelievable River Views! OYO 90778 Malioboro Gem!
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because this isn't your average postcard-perfect itinerary. This is the REAL DEAL: a messy, glorious, and utterly unforgettable week disappearing into the heart of Gran Canaria, specifically in a typical canary rural house. Forget the glossy brochures, let's dive into the delicious chaos!
THE GRAND CANARY RUSTIC ROMP: A Week of Sun, Sangria, and Sheer Bloody Wonder
Day 1: Arrival and the Quest for the Perfect Sunset (Spoiler: It's Harder Than It Looks!)
- Morning (or whenever the hell the flight actually lands): Arrive at Gran Canaria Airport (LPA). After the usual airport shuffle – the frantic baggage carousel ballet, the silent prayer that your suitcase isn't in Timbuktu – we meet our rental car. Don't expect a luxury vehicle. We're aiming for reliable, not Rolls Royce. This little hatchback is our chariot to rural bliss!
- Afternoon: The drive. Ah, the drive. Imagine winding roads clinging to the sides of mountains, the air thick with the scent of pine and something… floral. It’s probably the bougainvillea. Google Maps, bless its algorithm-driven heart, promises a quick route. Lies. All lies. Expect to get gloriously lost at least once, especially if you're like me and possess the spatial awareness of a goldfish. First, the drive to the rural house. The anticipation builds. My first impression of the house. It felt… old, and it did smell faintly of cats and… something else. The owner- Juan, I think, was there to greet me with a booming "Bienvenidos!" (He also had a mustache that could rival a walrus’s). The kitchen smelled delicious.
- Late Afternoon: Unpack. Settle in. Immediately attempt to find the perfect spot for a sunset viewing. My expectations. I was picturing a dramatic, fiery spectacle. The reality: finding a good vantage point is a freakin' mission. Remember to buy the local beer.
- Evening: The first dinner. The obligatory tapas run. We stumbled upon a tiny restaurant in a nearby village and ordered everything. The food was ridiculously good. The wine? Even better. The conversation? A hilarious mix of broken Spanish, enthusiastic hand gestures, and pure, unadulterated laughter. We’ll call this a win.
Day 2: Hiking Hell (and Heavenly Views!)
- Morning: Breakfast on the terrace. Coffee. Bread. Jam (the kind that actually tastes like the fruit it claims to be!). Try not to spill your coffee on your favorite tee. The house cat, which seems to own the place, is watching you.
- Late Morning: Hiking day. The plan: a moderate hike. My optimism levels were at an all-time high. The reality: the “moderate” hike turned into a vertical climb that nearly killed me. Breathless and sweaty, I cursed my lack of pre-trip fitness. The views from the top? Staggering. So worth it, in the end.
- Afternoon: Back at the house. Collapse. Shower. Plunge into the pool, which is probably freezing, but who cares? Drink more beer. We didn't see another soul for miles, and I started to feel my shoulders relax.
- Evening: Attempt to cook dinner. The kitchen is, uh, rustic. The equipment is ancient. I set the smoke alarm off trying to make toast. The cat is judging me. We end up ordering pizza. Again.
Day 3: The Glorious Beach Day (and the Sand That Never Leaves)
- Morning: Wake up. The sun is brilliant. We have a plan. Today is a beach day. I'd heard about the beaches. So my expectations were high. I had done some research– Playa de las Canteras.
- Late Morning: Playa de las Canteras. The drive alone was breathtaking. I was expecting the place to be overrun by tourists. The beach was amazing, the water, crystal clear. Finding parking was a nightmare. We were rewarded with golden sands, crystal-clear water, and a general sense of pure bliss. I swear, I'm going to be finding sand in my shoes for weeks. Still, the beach was worth it!
- Afternoon: We spent the afternoon swimming, sunbathing, and generally being lazy beach bums.
- Evening: Seafood feast! We found a beachfront restaurant that looked promising. The food lived up to the hype. Delicious seafood, the freshest fish I've ever tasted, and the sound of the waves lapping against the shore. It was perfection.
Day 4: The Volcano's Whisper (and the Wind That Nearly Blew Me Away)
- Morning: We're going inland to explore the volcanic landscapes. The drive itself is a rollercoaster. Narrow roads, hairpin turns, and vistas that make you gasp (and maybe grip the steering wheel a little tighter).
- Afternoon: The caldera of the volcano. The wind was INSANE. I mean, full-on "hold onto your hats, Dorothy" type wind. I almost got blown off the side of the caldera. The views were spectacular. The wind almost ripped the camera out of my hand. Another win.
- Evening: Dinner in a local restaurant. It's always fun to get lost in translation. The more you try, the more you realize it's sometimes worth trying and sometimes not.
Day 5: A Market Frenzy and a Lesson in Siesta
- Morning: Local market! I was prepared for this. So, I grab my cash and try to bargain. The market is a riot of color, chaos, and the most incredible smells. The vendors are all friendly (even when you accidentally knock over a pile of tomatoes), and the produce is fresh.
- Afternoon: Siesta time. The afternoon is reserved for a good, old-fashioned nap. Everything is shut and everyone is sleeping. It's magical.
- Evening: Sunset again. This time in a different spot.
Day 6: Wine Tasting, Woes, and Wonderful Mistakes
- Morning: Wine-tasting tour in… somewhere. I am not a wine connoisseur. I am, however, very good at drinking it. We visited a local bodega, which was run by a jolly old man with a twinkle in his eye. The wines? Delicious. I bought a bottle, which then subsequently got forgotten in the car.
- Afternoon: The inevitable post-wine-tasting nap.
- Evening: Dinner. The last supper. Reflecting on the week. What went well? What didn't?
Day 7: Hasta Luego, Gran Canaria (and the Promise to Return)
- Morning: Wake up. The sun is still shining. I have to leave the house in the morning. Last-minute scramble to pack, clean, and try to leave the place as we found it.
- Afternoon: Drive to the airport. Farewell to the Gran Canaria.
This itinerary isn't perfect. It's not glamorous. It's not always smooth sailing. But it's honest. It's real. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because that, my friends, is the true magic of traveling. The unexpected moments. The hilarious mishaps. The memories that stick with you long after the sand is brushed from your shoes. So go. Get lost. And embrace the beautiful chaos. This is the real Canary rural house experience. And it's totally worth it, dust and all.
Unbelievable Ujung Genteng Getaway: Ken Zong Inn Awaits!
Escape to Paradise: Your Dream Canary Island Rural Retreat Awaits! (Or Does It?) - FAQs, the Unfiltered Version
Right, so... "Paradise," huh? What's the *actual* vibe of this place? Like, beyond the brochure fluff?
Okay, so "Paradise" is a strong word. Let's be real. It’s definitely beautiful. Think: volcanic landscapes that make you feel tiny, star-speckled nights that steal your breath, and lizards that are *everywhere* – they're like tiny, prehistoric gatekeepers of your outdoor breakfast. But… it's also… *rural*. And I mean **rural**. Forget perfectly paved roads. We’re talking the kind of roads where your rental car's suspension will beg for mercy. My first time, I swear, I thought I'd lost a wheel on a particularly bumpy goat track. (I hadn't, thankfully. Just a near-death experience with a particularly grumpy donkey.)
Is it really as "remote" as it sounds? I crave peace, but I don't want to feel like I'm *actually* stranded.
"Remote" is a sliding scale. You're not exactly in the middle of the Sahara. You *can* get supplies. There are little villages with tiny shops, which are brilliant, but if you're expecting a 24/7 supermarket, think again. One time, I ran out of coffee (a *serious* crisis, people), and the nearest shop was closed for a siesta. A SI-ES-TA! The *horror*! The good news? You're never *too* far from a decent cafe for a cafecito, and the Wi-Fi (thankfully) is usually decent enough to keep you connected to the outside world – or at least, to Instagram, which, let's be honest, is pretty much the same thing sometimes.
Okay, the 'vibe' is settling in. What kinda accommodation are we talking? "Rural retreat" could mean anything from a glorified shed to a luxury villa...
Right. The accommodation. It depends on your budget, of course. Let me tell you, I’ve seen it all. From what seemed like a literal stone hobbit hole (charming, but damp) to a gorgeous finca with a private pool (bliss!). The key is to read the reviews *carefully*. Don't be swayed by the pretty photos. One place I stayed at *looked* amazing online... until I tried to use the shower. It spattered cold water in a pathetic, drippy fashion. And the hot water? Apparently, it took the entire island's energy output to heat it up. I ended up taking a bucket shower. A *bucket* shower! It's a memory though...kind of.
Forget showers, let's talk food! What's the deal with eating in these rural retreats, and the surrounding towns?
The food is AMAZING. Seriously. Forget your fancy Michelin-starred restaurants for a bit. Embrace the local! Papas arrugadas (wrinkled potatoes) with mojo sauce? Forget about it. Mind-bogglingly good. Fresh seafood? Divine. And the wine? Oh, the wine! Some places are rustic, maybe a bit like eating in your grandma's kitchen, if your grandma cooked like a Spanish god (which, let's be honest, most of ours don't!). Seriously, keep an open mind. Be adventurous. Ask the locals for recommendations. You won't regret it. Although... be prepared for the occasional surprise. I once ordered what I thought was a simple salad, and it arrived with a whole chunk of cheese that could've fed a small family. The portion sizes are *generous*, to put it mildly.
What can I *actually do* in this 'paradise'? Sunbathing, hiking, or is there *anything* else?
Okay, so it's not a non-stop party. But there's a ton to do. Hiking is fantastic, absolutely. The views! The fresh air! Just make sure you take plenty of water, and check the weather forecast. One time, I got caught in a sudden downpour and turned into a drowned rat. NOT glamorous. The beaches are beautiful – some are black sand (cool!), some have golden sand. Swimming, snorkeling, surfing, depends on the island, but there is usually water to swim in. But the absolute best thing? Slowing down! Reading a book in a hammock, watching the sunset, taking a proper nap during a siesta – the simple life! Embrace it, dammit!
How's the language barrier? Do I need to be fluent in Spanish, or can I survive on Google Translate and hand gestures?
Honestly? A little Spanish goes a *long* way. Even just knowing "hola," "gracias," and "una cerveza, por favor" (one beer, please) gets you pretty far. Most people in tourist areas speak at least some English. But the *real* magic happens when you try to speak Spanish. Locals appreciate the effort, even if you butcher the pronunciation. They’ll often help you out, and you'll end up having some truly hilarious conversations. Me? I'm a total disaster, but I at least *try*. And I've made some amazing friends just by stumbling through a few phrases. Okay, and maybe some wild hand gestures too. Don't be afraid to look a fool; that's part of the fun. Seriously, don’t be afraid. You'll laugh about it later.
What's the best time of year to visit "Escape to Paradise?" And, like...are there hordes of tourists?
The Canary Islands are blessed with pretty good weather year-round. But: Spring and Autumn are generally considered the *sweet spot*. Not too hot, not too crowded. The summer? Can be HOT and super-busy, especially at the beach resorts. Winter? Can be nice, but it can also rain, and some places will just feel a bit… quiet. Tourist hordes? Yes. They exist. The more popular islands can get *very* busy, especially the coastal areas. But that's the beauty of a rural retreat! You can escape the madness! Go inland! Explore! Get lost in the winding roads and find the locals. They're where the real gems are.
Okay, so the drive...and the roads... Do I need a 4x4? Or can I get away with a tiny, beat-up rental car?
4x4? Nah, generally not *essential*. But, uh... it depends. The roads in the more remote areas can be, let's say, *challenging*. Think: narrow, winding, sometimes unpaved. Your tiny little rental car will likely get a workout. I remember once, I thought I was Indiana Jones for a bit, tackling a particularly treacherous dirt track. I made it, but the car definitely didn’t thank me. Check the reviews for your accommodation; if it's way off the beaten path, you might be happier with something a bit more rugged. Trust me, your nerves (and your rear end) willWallet Friendly Stay
